Mental Health Struggles Suck

In all reality, life can be an uphill battle at times for those of us who struggle with our mental health. There is no easy fix and sometimes no end in sight. Four years ago, I started using cannabis as an aid in my mental health “journey.” I hate to use that word, but I don’t have a better one. The difficulties never went away, but they became so much easier to manage. At this point in my life, my patterns are almost becoming second nature to me. I know my own patterns and know when I need to use a healthy coping mechanism.

Recently, my family and I have been uprooted, and when I say it came like a hurricane, I mean it. It was fast, intense, scary and left us feeling in complete and utter chaos. We moved from a state where hemp was everywhere, and I do mean everywhere. I could throw a rock in any direction and hit a hemp dispensary. This made it so easy for me to find what I needed to help, even when D9 was only legal medically. Moving to Oklahoma, the world here is different. Cannabis is medically legal, and it’s a simple process to get a card. The problem is that it takes time to get established somewhere new and be eligible to get a card. So, I have been sent into a forced tolerance break. 

The Last Kiss

For some people, tolerance breaks are a no-go and they would never in a million years dream of taking one. I am not one of those people. I believe it’s great to help reset your system and make your medicine more effective. However, I have never gone straight cold turkey for an extended period. The havoc that would wreak on my brain and my life was never worth it. This time I didn’t get a choice, and I’m pretty fucking salty about it. 

I knew the day the break would have to begin and I made it a point to save half of a Wyatt Purp gummy for the occasion. Making it through the airport with two small kids while keeping my sanity is crucial. An edible has never tasted so sweet before. That moment was like a kiss from an angel. I knew it was going to be my last interaction for a little bit. I knew a break would be good for me, but that didn’t mean I was happy about it. By the time it went down I was already wishing I had a package of goodies waiting for me at my destination. 

A Rough Reality 

As we landed at DFW, reality had started to settle in just as the relief slowly faded away. The grip of my anxious mental state began to take hold. Over the next few hours, and even days, the grip tightened to an almost unbearable point. Ready to boil over. My emotions alone were some of the most intense I had felt in years, and there was nothing I could do. Not that I panicked, but existing became uncomfortable and thinking became almost painful. The only emotion that came forward was anger, and there was no seeing past it. I was blinded. 

I was tense...tense with my kids…tense with my partner… even sleeping felt tense. It was not long before I cried. Once those tears came out, they didn’t stop for what felt like days. 

I felt like my life had become a Cat in the Hat book. 

I cried here, I cried there. I cried outside, I cried inside. I cried at night… It felt endless and exhausting. If you’ve ever experienced that kind of outpouring of emotion, it’s draining. Physically it takes everything out of you; mentally it cripples you. The funny thing is, on a spiritual level, it felt like a reset. 

The Calm After The Storm

It has been about a week-and-a-half now since the last taste of cannabis graced my presence. I’m feeling better, but the tears still flow almost daily. I don’t feel so dark and heavy anymore even though the sad thoughts are still there. My patience is thin, if not nonexistent. My sleeping has been more inconsistent than it was before we uprooted, which doesn’t help the situation. I’ve noticed I need more time to myself, as the noises of everyday life in a house with now seven people can be overwhelming at best. 

What has helped me the most is finding my routine and really leaning into it. Something about the predictable repetitiveness brings me a profound sense of calm and control. This is also a time where the healthy habits I have been building over the past two years are really saving me. I could not imagine how much worse it would be if I let my diet go or stopped exercising completely. Cannabis has always been my stress relief. Now that I don’t have access to this plant, it is even more critical for me to be on top of my health. Any aches or pain are magnified when your brain is in overdrive. 

Love Yourself

The most important thing for me is to give myself the space to feel how I feel. I don’t have to hide it or pretend I don’t feel it. Instead, I let the feelings be and allow them space. Some days you must hold your sadness like a newborn and treat it with love and care, instead of putting it in the corner like a disobedient child. I have chosen to take my sadness by the hand and walk with it through my day. My anxiety has its place on my shoulder, just like a parrot to a pirate. In the same way that I feed myself and take care of my physical needs, I also care for my sadness - and sometimes my anxiety gets a cracker or two. 

This tolerance break has taught me that riding the waves is easier than trying to fight them. Giving your feelings a space is okay - healthy even. Cry when you need to because, as tired as you may feel today, tomorrow will be better. A tolerance break is exactly that. It’s a ‘break,’ not a ‘forever.’ Mental health shouldn’t be a shameful topic we whisper in quiet corner, and even then only to those in our closest circle of friends. Scream about it from the rooftops if it makes you feel better. 

I know that there are others out there who use cannabis much in the same way I do. When cannabis becomes a tool to establish positive coping skills, you can keep doing life and you will survive the mental anguish that can accompany it. The dark parts feel scary, but it’s okay. We are strong people, and we are more than our struggles. I’m so glad I took this break because that reunion will be sweet as ever!

Stay Happy, Healthy, and High!